"You Blew It..."

After waking up from a sweaty mid-afternoon dream involving Pauline, Mavis and napalm, I leave the flat while still half-asleep and take the tube to Hammersmith where I sit across the street from Harper Collins, getting up from the concrete wall every ten minutes or so to walk off some of the cold.

Mavis leaves the building around four o’clock, throwing a large scarf around herself like a cape, but I ignore her.

At five, a man who I think is Jason - one of the executives or at least someone high up – emerges and I run across the street and accost him before he can get to the staff car park.

“Jason,” I say, and he looks up, startled. I can’t think of anything else to say so we stare at each other until he recognises me.

“Christopher?”

I nod.

“You look freezing. What’s going on? Are you okay?”

I nod again, shivering. “Yeah, I’m okay. I just…no one’s talking to me and I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what to do.”

The first patches of red are already forming on Jason’s face. Our breath plumes out of our mouths and noses like smoke machines. “This isn’t the most convenient time or place to talk, Christopher. Let’s arrange something through the proper channels.”

“No, because nothing will happen. Chris doesn’t return my calls or emails.”

“I’m sure he’s very busy.”

“It’s been months since we spoke.”

His face twitches. “Well, that’s not acceptable.”

He pulls his phone out of his coat pocket and pushes a few buttons and holds it to his ear. “Chris, are you busy right now? I have Christopher Hardy with me outside. Can you meet us in the Starbucks? We’ll find out, won’t we? Very good.”

He hangs up.

“Let’s get a coffee,” he says.



I drink my hot chocolate quickly even though it is scolding hot and try to stop my hands shaking. Jason is clearly disturbed by my appearance but it is hard for me to care at the moment. He asks after my family and my plans for Christmas until Chris arrives.

A Cappuccino is already waiting for him on the table. “I remembered what you like,” I tell him as he sits down.

“Thanks,” he says without enthusiasm.

“Christopher was waiting for me outside,” Jason says. “He tells me that he’s having difficulty contacting you.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry I haven’t had a chance to get back to you,” Chris says. “You know how it is.”

“Not really,” I say. “I just wanted some feedback.” I know that I look and sound pathetic but my spirit is broken.

“I haven’t heard anything from higher up so I’ve got nothing to tell you,” Chris says. “Sorry.” He looks to Jason.

Jason clears his throat. “It’s my understanding that you’re no longer working on a follow-up to Clear History. Is that right?”

“Yes.”

“I think that’s really what we were looking for from you. But at any rate, sales, unfortunately, haven’t met any of the targets we set.”

“No one was behind it,” I whine, unable to summon any dignity. “There was no support.”

“I hear your frustration,” Jason says. “But I can assure you that we were behind you.”

“No you weren’t.”

“Christopher, we signed you because we wanted to publish you and sell your book. We took a chance on you and it didn’t pay off. But you have to accept some responsibility for that. You haven’t been the easiest author we’ve ever had to work with.”

Chris says nothing. He stares at his coffee.

“I wanted it to be a success,” I say.

“Of course you did,” Jason says. “We all wanted it to succeed. But not everything can."

“At least put out a paperback.”

“There’s no demand. Look, if it’s any consolation, I thought it was good work. A really interesting novel. I wish more people could have got to read it.”

“If you like it then you could take another chance on me.”

Jason smiles sympathetically. “It’s not my money I’m playing with, Christopher. We have directors, shareholders.”

“But… I feel like what I’m working on is something really special. Yes, it’s not the follow-up you asked for but forget that, let’s start again. It’s… I really think it could be great.”

I realise I’m almost pleading but I can’t help it. I turn to Chris. “I’ve sent you about five chapters now and you haven’t got back to me. If you just read them I know you’d like it. I’m sure of it.”

“Have you read them?” Jason asks him.

“I have,” Chris says. “I’m afraid we just didn’t see anything in them.” He talks to Jason and won’t look at me.

“You read them?” I say. “You swear to me that you’ve looked at them and that you gave a fair evaluation?”

He glances at me and nods.

“Tell me what it’s about. Tell me what happens.”

“Sandy read them thoroughly,” Chris says, addressing Jason again. “I read a little and I agreed with her.”

“Sandy is your assistant?” Jason says.

Chris nods.

“And you trust her opinion?”

“Implicitly.”

Jason looks at me. “I’m sorry, Christopher. It sounds as though we’ve reached the end of our journey together.”

“No, wait,” I say. “I want someone else to look at it. I want another editor to read it. I know that what I’m doing is good.”

“I know it’s tough, Christopher,” Jason says. “But I think you should look at taking it to other houses. A fresh start, new eyes, a new perspective. Let your agent loose.”

“No, please,” I say. “I’ll do better this time. I’ll do what Chris says, I’ll put the work in. Don’t close the door on me just yet. I know I can do something great.”

I am whining at an embarrassing volume and the rest of the patrons are looking over.

“This is painful,” Chris says. “Be a man, Christopher. You blew it.” He stands up and waits for Jason to do the same.

I stare at the table as Jason rises and buttons his coat. “I wish things could have been different,” he says, and they leave.

I sit alone in the coffee shop for awhile until I notice a young couple waiting for the table and I force a smile and move out of their way and they thank me and I leave the coffee shop and stand outside in the cold for a long time, just looking around and waiting for my brain to make some kind of decision as to where I should go and what I should do.